Joy in the Journey

Mission accomplished! Saturday, March 26th, I ran my first race… the nationally recognized Azalea Trail Run 2011. I took part in the 5K Run (although, I’m SO ready for next year’s 10K!). What a day! I had only been training for a couple months, and was not really sure how well I would do. My goal was to CROSS THE FINISH LINE… and that I did! My official time was 33:48 ~ I placed 622 out of 1,614 runners. :) The numbers, however, are irrelevant. In my mind, the victory was a milestone in what has proven to be a life-altering, life-giving journey… or perhaps… just LIFE!

I enjoy blogging, but my entries are few and far between, because I have a tendency to use a plethora of words, quotes other people have spoken, and my favorite photographs… to talk around or veil the deeper thoughts and feelings I (more often than not) lack the courage to openly share. Today, I want to be more honest ~ more transparent ~ more “me”. No hiding. What would happen if we all shed our armor and took off our masks? It may be cheesy-dorky, but I think our transparency would foster true connections, deeply-rooted unity, and a level of respect that could change the world. We need each other, and it is important that we listen to each other’s stories. I have to believe God brings us out of the valleys so we can shout His victory from the mountain tops! Saturday’s Finish Line was undoubtedly a mountain top moment… but it did not come without a trip through the valley.

“Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil.” [Psalm 23:4]

At the age of 11, I developed an eating disorder… 20 years later, as a 31 year old, disordered eating continues to plague my days; however, Anorexia Nervosa no longer defines who I am. Following more hospitalizations, tube feedings, psychiatric facilities, and residential treatment centers than I care to recollect, I am finally learning to live... after spending well over half my life fighting death. Sounds extreme… because it was. I lost hearing in one ear throughout the majority of my freshman year in college (the result of a dehydrated eardrum), developed osteopenia in my hip and osteoporosis in my spine (by my early 20’s). I had difficulty finding local psychiatrists who would accept me as a client, and was labeled a “liability risk,” secondary to the “severity of my condition.” These are not chapters in my life that bring pride, but they do bring perspective. As I have said in the past, for far too many years, I lived to die. I played the part of living but embraced the act of dying [blog entries 4/11/10 & 10/10/10].

Today, I have been granted the opportunity to choose life… I am climbing out of the valley, LITERALLY one step at a time. I have known far too many individuals who lost their lives in this treacherous terrain. I praise God each morning, because I have been given the gift of another day.
“My cup runneth over.” [Psalm 23:5b]

Fast-forward to Spring 2007. I began noticing a sharp twinge in my right foot. This was the beginning of yet another valley ~ the mystery of the pain-filled foot! As many of you know, the foot journey consisted of 2 YEARS in a walking boot, 15 MONTHS on crutches and in a wheelchair, and major surgery in 2009. Doctor after doctor attempted – to no avail – to diagnose and treat the intensifying pain, but the symptoms seemed only to worsen. Many blamed my “history,” my lack of nutrition, my diminished bone density, my minimal protein intake… for what was quickly evolving into a true physical disability. I value and often share the lessons I learned throughout this period of my life (many mini-mountain top moments!), yet, I seldom talk about the depths of this ravine, because it was frightening and infuriating and left me in a state of hopelessness and terror. I learned to function, in spite of the crutches and wheelchair… and gained unparalleled insight into the world of those who do face the challenge of a chronic disability. For the “hands on” learning sessions, I am eternally grateful. God used crutches and a wheelchair to teach me how to stand on my own two feet… ironic, I know! I found inner strength and determination, although I continued to spend night after night crying myself to sleep, wondering if I, too, was developing an incurable ailment. I did not foresee ever walking again… and running (a tool that had proven helpful in my fight with Anorexia and anxiety) felt like a distant dream.

To make a 4 year story short, in 2009, I was blessed to discover Dr. John Gould, a UAB orthopedic surgeon, who determined the abnormalities I was experiencing in my foot were (1) NOT my fault (2) NOT the result of injury (3) simply an atypical number of unrelated “flukes” that are “common” in Gould’s ortho world, though seldom seen on one person or in one foot.
Ahhh… a breath of fresh (mountain top) air! I was BEYOND ready to emerge from this canyon!!!

May 13th, 2009, Dr. Gould removed my sesamoid bone (which had been “dead” for quite some time – having received no blood supply); he shaved down another bone, cut and later reattached a ligament to take out a large neuroma (cluster of inflamed nerves), cut and later reattached a tendon to reposition my entrapped peroneal nerve, and injected 2 joints with cortisone...in my right foot.

Following 6 weeks of non-weight bearing status, I slowly began to teach myself to walk… after 2 years of being unable to utilize my foot or ankle. This was a bit tricky, as I was (for a number of reasons) unable to receive physical therapy. By 2010, I was walking, practicing yoga (which also brought comfort and peace during my one-legged… and later TWO-legged days), and was attempting to jog… slowly.

Only recently, have I begun to run – pain free! I am beginning to feel as though I am coming full circle. I ran Saturday morning, with tears in my eyes, saying prayers of thankfulness with every step. I am overflowing with gratitude and blessed beyond measure. I am alive. I am healing. I am running. I am teaching yoga. I am working toward appropriately fueling my body. I am sharing my story… and I am finding unspeakable joy in the journey (both the highs and the lows).

I did more than cross the finish line during Saturday’s race… I entered into a world of new beginnings.
And from this mountain top, I stand in awe, as I “look to the horizon with hope.” [Augusta Kantra]

“The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me to lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside the still waters.
He restores my soul.” [Psalm 23:1-3]

Lastly, I cannot post this entry without thanking my family and friends for their love, support, patience, persistence, thoughtfulness, encouragement and dedication. Your faith and strength have carried me on mountains high and through valleys low. I love you deeply.

~ aeb :)

"By breath, by blood, by body, by spirit, we are all one" [Sara Thomsen]

It's official... I'm a yoga teacher... Amanda Elizabeth Barfield, RYT!!! I am currently teaching an alignment-based flow class every Sunday afternoon at Yoga Birds, in Fairhope, at 3:00 ~ and I am loving every minute of it! Check out www.yogabirds.com for more information about the studio (owned by Melanie Buffett) and the amazing yoga opportunities available within our community! "By breath, by blood, by body, by spirit, we are all one." [Sara Thomsen]

Many of you have asked wonderful questions regarding my passion for yoga, so I thought I would share the following with you... It is the Bio you will find on the Yoga Birds website. My "passion" for yoga is an understatement... God has used yoga to save my life, and I am eternally grateful. Many thanks to ALL of my teachers, but especially Augusta Kantra, LPC,RYT and Melanie Buffett, E-RYT, Anusara-Inspired. You mean the world to me. Namaste.

Amanda began her yoga journey in 2008, while on crutches and in a wheelchair. During a two year period of physical disability, Amanda found hope, healing, and empowerment through a yoga practice that focused on her ABILITY to breathe with mindfulness and adapt through creativity and patience. As a Recreational Therapist, Amanda knows the importance of incorporating healthy leisure outlets into our daily living. She believes yoga has created much-needed balance in her life, and finds joy in helping others experience this sense of wellbeing and peace. Amanda recently graduated as a Registered Yoga Teacher (RYT 200) and is thrilled to be teaching at Yoga Birds. Her Sunday afternoon "Align & Flow" class provides an opportunity to spend time in community with one another, making the transition from the weekend to the work week one of fluidity and ease.

"Yoga is life. It is an internal and external connection...to God, to ourselves, to our world. Yoga is a journey, a continual learning experience...through a quiet mind and an open heart. Yoga is a process of transformation on a path toward wholeness and health. Yoga has taught me the art of self compassion, a skill that has not always come naturally. Yoga has given me the gift of breath...permission to inhale and exhale...to simply be. Yoga is an opportunity to embrace each moment. Yoga is an invitation to live." [aeb 2010]

Love and Peace,
aeb

"Love's Pure Light" ~ Community Yoga Class Honoring Georgia Richards.

Sunday, December 19 • 3:00pm - 6:00pm

Yoga Birds
458-B North Section Street
Fairhope, AL

Dear friends,
Please join me for a community yoga class Sunday, December 19th at 3pm to remember and celebrate the life of Georgia Carolyn Rose Richards. Georgia was called Home November 27th, 2010, at the young age of 17. This donation-based yoga class is open to all. Proceeds will go toward the Georgia Carolyn Rose Richards Memorial Fund, to assist Georgia’s family with funeral expenses.

Together, we will bow humbly before the “SON OF GOD, LOVE’S PURE LIGHT” through a sequence of 17 “Son” Salutations, in honor of each year Georgia spent on this earth. As a community, we will open our hearts to the Joy and Peace of the Holiday Season, and commemorate the life of Georgia Carolyn Rose.

Refreshments to follow.

No yoga experience is necessary.

Please share this invitation with friends of Georgia.
If you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask!

Love to all,
aeb

~ Because some messages bear repeating...

There are times in our lives when communication is not only important, but it is crucial. This is one of those "crucial" times. With tragic teen suicide rates on the rise, and adults facing seemingly insurmountable obstacles (related to finances, careers, relationships...), perhaps we could all benefit from a message of hope. As you read (or for many of you, RE-read) my Letter to the Editor, printed in the Mobile Press Register, July 5th, 2008, please maintain an open mind and a compassionate heart. There are people around us who are suffering, and we each have the ability to make a difference. Thanks so much for your time and interest! ~ aeb :)

The Elephant in the Living Room...

I never really liked to say the word. Instead, I would use such terms as “disappear” or “go away”. The concept felt so taboo, so unacceptable, so misunderstood. The thoughts were unrelenting, and the reality painfully grim. Suicide was (and still is) the “elephant in the living room”… a silent killer… and the cause of approximately 35,000 deaths in the United States, alone, each year (NIMH).

Through the world’s eyes, I am a successful woman, yet I have never been able to meet my own expectations – my self imposed standards – my full potential. For far too many years, I lived to die. I played the part of living but embraced the act of dying. As a victim of chronic clinical depression, I manifested my pain through a myriad of self destructive behaviors. Over time, these manifestations began to pervade and ravage every fiber of my being…until I prayed that each breath I took would be my last.

Two weeks ago, the body of a father, husband and businessman was discovered on a local golf course. He had taken his own life, with the aid of a hand gun. I don’t know the circumstances that surrounded the premature death of this promising young man; however, his story has compelled me to share mine - with the hope that it will provide insight to those who read it. Time and time again it has been said that “suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem,” and while this is spoken in truth, it paints a very narrow picture of the disease that drives an individual to bring an end to their existence.

In the course of depression, there are stages, the last (and most tragic) being the point of wholeheartedly believing your loved ones would be better off without you. You firmly hold that if you were to die, they could truly live. It is at this stage that you lose the ability to make rational decisions, as your tainted mind guides your thoughts and your actions. The organ that controls your ability to reason is biologically disordered. Just as you can’t walk on a broken leg, you cannot think clearly with a brain that is in need of repair.

I don’t know how to halt the increasing trend toward suicide in our country, but I do know that silence and ignorance will inevitably fuel the fire. I urge you…talk to your children, your parents, your spouses, your friends. Look into their eyes and listen intently. If you suspect trouble, don’t dismiss your suspicions. An elephant in the room should never be ignored. Communicate with the people around you. More often than not, if you have not noticed an elephant in your home, someone near you has. Please don’t allow fear, denial, busyness or stigmas determine your loved one’s fate. You can make a difference, you can break the silence, and you can save lives. If you or someone you know is suffering, please call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800- SUICIDE, today. Pick up the phone; there is help available. With help, you can find hope. With hope, you can begin to heal... and through the process of healing you can rediscover and learn to embrace the gift of life.

“One Shoe Can Change Your Life” ~ Cinderella [Ha! Ha! Apparently, I have been drawn to the wisdom of Cinderella to inspire my recent blogging!]

One shoe truly CAN change your life.

One year ago (tomorrow), I got dressed for work, and – for the first time since June 2007 – I put on a PAIR of shoes! I remember that day quite well… and after a few hours, I had to resort to my post-operative shoe and copious doses of Advil. It was an accomplishment, in my book, nonetheless.

Most of you probably know that I was on crutches for 15 months, sported a walking boot (3 actually!) for 2 years, and cruised the halls of work, the mall, Target… from a wheelchair. Throughout this adventure, I visited 6 different orthopedic surgeons, before God brought Dr. John Gould (a highly acclaimed UAB physician) into my life. May 13th, 2009, Dr. Gould skillfully removed a “dead” bone, shaved another bone, cut a ligament, cut a tendon, moved / repositioned an inflamed nerve, removed a large neuroma, and injected 2 joints with cortisone… in my RIGHT foot. YES, I am forever indebted to my fabulous and caring friends and family, who played the role of chauffeur on many (MANY!) occasions!!! Love you much!

Those days, months, and years were invaluable and life-changing. The lessons I learned were priceless. Through our disabilities, we can learn to further appreciate and fully embrace our abilities. We have the opportunity to develop a deep sense of compassion, empathy, determination, and patience. We have the option to smile when others point and stare, laugh in the rain (YOU try to maneuver crutches and an umbrella!), and we can CHOOSE to live creatively!

My yoga journey began while I was still “one-legged.” Acceptance of the HERE and NOW, coupled with INTENTION and BREATH, allowed me to cultivate a deep and meaningful practice that has carried (and continues to carry!) me through a multitude of highs and lows! These past 12 months of “recovery” have been nothing short of a miracle, and tonight, my heart is filled with gratitude and joy. In the words of Albert Einstein, “There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.”

October 2009, I began to practice fully weight-bearing TWO-legged yoga! I started to run again (something about which I am very passionate) last winter. In March, Mom (who had recently undergone a total knee replacement) and I completed the 2K Azalea Trail Fun Run! In May, I was able to utilize my right foot in a yoga lunge… pain-free! AND, in June, I set forth on a path toward becoming a Yoga Alliance Registered Yoga Teacher at the 200 Hour Level (RYT 200)! I will graduate from the Yoga Birds Teacher Training 2010 (under the unparalleled instruction of Melanie Buffett, E-RYT, Anusara-Inspired®) in December, and have already agreed to teach 2 weekly yoga classes!!!

This blog entry may appear trivial, but tomorrow, as I say a small prayer of “thanks” with each step I take, I will know that - while one shoe (boot, or post-op!) MAY change your life, the truth [found in a Chinese proverb] remains… “To get through the hardest journey we need take only one step at a time, but we must keep on stepping” ~ or hopping, or wheeling. ;)

Love to all,
aeb :)

“A dream is a wish your heart makes.” [Cinderella] DREAMWEAVERS - Part 1

The nursing and rehabilitation facility in which I work recently joined forces with an international organization focused on improving the quality of life for seniors within our communities. Through recognizing and fulfilling the “dreams” of the men and women for whom we provide care, the mission of Second Wind Dreams® is to change the perception of aging... from state to state and country to country. “Together we are making a huge difference in the lives of elders around the world, giving them a Second Wind!” (SWD®)

Recently, our facility, as members of the Second Wind Dreams® organization, came together, worked long hours, made countless phone calls, sent dozens of emails (and so much more)… to become successful “dreamweavers” for two special residents who call Eight Mile Nursing and Rehab “home”. Both residents have signed photo and press release forms, granting the media – and me – permission to utilize their names and pictures for public viewing.

This is Ms. Gracie Tucker’s story…

A couple weeks ago, I worked a Saturday… begrudgingly, I admit. While I was there, flying down the hallway at my typical breakneck pace, I heard a resident crying. This was not a familiar cry, so I stopped in this woman’s room, to see why Ms. Gracie sounded so upset. She told me she was sad, and feeling very alone. Ms. Gracie is an 89 year old woman, who generally keeps to herself, watches game shows on television, and gazes through her window at the flowers in the courtyard. Despite our best attempts, Ms. Gracie has never attended a group function in her 3 month stay. I pulled up a chair and settled in to listen for a bit. She told me about her family, her “little” sister who will soon turn 80, her grandchildren, her longing to be “released” (ie. discharged) as she has “important things to take care of”. With tears continuing to stream down her face, she reached up and exclaimed, “I can’t even do anything with this mop on my head! I’m embarrassed for people to see me!” I reminded her that we have hairdressers on site, but she was not interested in (and truly feared) sporting “an old lady hair style.” I quickly saw an opportunity to test our dream-weaving skills, and - on a whim - informed Ms. Gracie that it was her lucky day! If she was interested, she was going to receive a full make-over (hair, nails, make-up) and a photo shoot within the coming week! The excitement in her eyes made the frenetic days ahead worth every moment!

I gathered a team of coworkers (for whom I am unspeakably grateful!), and we worked tirelessly toward making this dream come true for Ms. Gracie. In the end, we found a hairdresser (an absolute God-send) who agreed to come to the facility and wash, cut, and style Ms. Gracie’s hair… free of charge (with a fresh, hip “do” – of course!). My staff, a dear friend, and I worked on Ms. Gracie’s make-up and fingernails, and dressed her in a new pair of black Capri pants (with embroidered palm trees!), a beautiful pink sweater, and jewelry to match, for her photography session. Witnessing this process of transformation evoked such emotion in each of our hearts; we were surprisingly overcome, and elated!

Ms. Gracie’s true character and bright spirit emerged with every lock of hair that found its way to my office floor, every stroke of polish that was applied to her nails, and every sweep of shimmering red gloss across her lips. She began laughing… questioning whether her family would recognize her “new and improved look”… and she was genuinely delighted and energized.

Ms. Gracie began striking poses ~ cocking her head to one side, resting her face upon her hands ~ requesting to have her picture taken! Her beauty was shining from the inside out, and it was an honor to watch the young woman inside this aging body surface. Ms. Gracie can walk well with her “walking stick,” but we offered to chauffeur her around the building in a wheelchair for her big reveal! She basked in the “Oohs and Aahs” as we made our way outdoors, with the camera in tow. Ms. Gracie smiled from ear to ear (despite the 110 degree heat!), and relished in the thrill of each picture taken, and every compliment she received.

THIS was not the same GRACIE TUCKER I had spend time with just 3 days earlier! This woman who had been so encumbered by feelings of despair had come to life… right before our eyes, and as she did, we – as “dreamweavers” – were filled with new life, hope, and unparalleled joy. Perhaps THAT day, we each caught our own second wind!
And… from that point forward, Ms. Gracie Tucker has been spotted wheeling herself to and from physical therapy, interacting with others, and enjoying social functions with her peers (including the Fox10 News Backyard BBQ dream that was realized for Resident, Joseph Palmore. Stay tuned for Mr. Palmore's story in DREAMWEAVERS – Part 2… soon to come!).

What a dazzling reminder that “The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.” [Eleanor Roosevelt]

Love to all,
aeb :)

“Even in the darkest phase be it thick or thin, always someone marches brave here beneath my skin.” [K.D. Lang]

Many of you know that I began an amazing journey this past June. I am currently in Yoga Teacher Training at Yoga Birds, a Registered Yoga School with Yoga Alliance (RYS 200) in Fairhope (Alabama). In December, I will receive a Graduation Certificate to submit to the Yoga Alliance to become a Registered Yoga Teacher at the 200 Hour Level (RYT 200). I am ecstatic! This opportunity was an absolute God-send. Not only has it been life-changing, but it has been life-giving, and quite possibly life-saving, as well. I feel honored and blessed beyond measure to be on this path. My gratitude is truly endless.

Last weekend was a “training weekend” (3 days of learning, practicing, and applying). Saturday, we were taking a much-needed coffee break (Yea, Coffee Loft!) after a 3 hour practice that prepared us and allowed us to attempt Eka Pada Galavasana (fancy, right?) ~ or Flying Pigeon :) My yogi friends and I were discussing the “fear factor” that often inhibits our ability to give our bodies permission to relax and release into poses that are seemingly more difficult or “dangerous” (keeping in mind that we – as humans – formulate our own thoughts, opinions, and labels regarding what is or is not “safe” for us at any given time). At one point in our discussion, I stated that I don’t remember ever feeling fearful of trying a specific yoga pose… And as the words left my mouth and entered my own ears, I had a personal “Ah-Ha!” moment.

In general, I have always been (and continue to be) a very fearful, careful, cautious, girl. More often than not, I function out of fear (most commonly my fear of failure). This is clearly not ideal; yet, it is familiar. Throughout my life, fear has motivated me to succeed and achieve, but it has also inhibited my ability to enjoy – or even recognize – my success. So… the “Ah-Ha!” moment occurred when I realized, in spite of my perpetually shaky knees in “life,” I am fearless on my yoga mat! I have fallen on my face, my head, my back… I even have bloody yoga toes (SO gross!!!!!), but I am not afraid.

The moment I step onto my mat (a fabulous new eKO from Manduka), I see glimpses of an Amanda I never knew existed. I find the ability to breathe. I feel confident and safe. I lose my preoccupation with wondering whether others are judging - or even watching – me. I become attentive, intentional, and mindful. I hear – and listen to – the sound of my own heartbeat. I stop harmful thoughts dead in their tracks, and replace them with inward expressions of gratitude for a body that allows me to move freely. I stand firmly on TWO feet, and praise God for the miracle of stability. On my mat, I feel whole. I feel the balance of effort and ease… and I live in the moment.

The trick is to take the lessons I learn ON the mat and apply them in the “real world”. I have been working toward this objective (see the Project [v. pruh-jekt] POSITIVITY Project [n. proj-ekt] post 7.27.10.), but it is always a work in progress. Yoga is a way of life that creates liberation, freedom, and deliverance from the things that hold us back (the practice of “non-attachment” – Yoga Sutras of Patanjali – 1.12).

This week, I will be taking a closer look at my attachment to FEAR… taking note of the ways in which it diminishes my light. I will seek to create room for expansion and transformation, and I will continue to thank God for the challenges in and around the journey… “in yoga, as in life” (Augusta Kantra).

Love & Peace,
aeb :)