Together we pray.

As we mourn and attempt to understand that which cannot be understood, I offer this… Many of us – myself included – initially responded to the tragedy in Connecticut with, “What has this country come to??” Today’s events are beyond what we can fathom – more than we can process. As I knelt in prayer this afternoon, praying for God to wrap His arms around the families and friends of everyone affected, I suddenly felt an overwhelming sense of connection. I felt connected to our Savior – who came into our world as a precious child – Emmanuel, God with us… and I felt an indescribable connection to all of the Americans who were joining me on their knees...flooding the gates of Heaven with tears, unanswered questions, fear, and sadness. What has our country come to? Our country – every country – will always have individuals who are disconnected. This morning, one of those disconnected individuals cast pure devastation on the most precious, the most innocent of all Americans. What has our country come to? Our country has come TOgether. Together we kneel. Together, we cry. Together, we hurt. Together, we find comfort. Together, we find hope. Together, we seek peace. Together, we live. Together, we live with purpose, knowing that life is unpredictable, and our time is sacred. What has our country come to? We are, and will remain… One Nation, under God, indivisible. Together we stand. Together we grieve. Together we pray. Remembering Sandy Hook Elementary School – Newtown, Connecticut – December 14, 2012

"Say What You Need To Say" [John Mayer]

I almost lost a friend yesterday. She posted a status on Facebook that led her loved ones to believe she was in danger of harming herself... and - sadly - she was. Although she had recently moved to a new state, her friends and family were able to contact 911 and professionals quickly arrived at her home. I do not know the details of my friend's plan - or attempt - to end her life; however, I do know that the response from those who care about her is to be commended. My friend is alive today, because her life matters... to her friends and her family... despite her inability to see her own worth. Sometimes our vision is clouded by our thoughts, our circumstances, our diseases, our fears. It is during those times that communication is not only important, but it is crucial.

Over the past three years,many of you have read my Letter to the Editor, printed in the Mobile Press Register, July 5th, 2008. I thank you for your support, and I will continue to post it, if only to reach one more person. There are people around us who are suffering, and we each have the ability to make a difference. Thanks so much for your time and interest. Please maintain an open mind and a compassionate heart.
All my love,
~ aeb :)

The Elephant in the Living Room...

I never really liked to say the word. Instead, I would use such terms as “disappear” or “go away”. The concept felt so taboo, so unacceptable, so misunderstood. The thoughts were unrelenting, and the reality painfully grim. Suicide was (and still is) the “elephant in the living room”… a silent killer… and the cause of approximately 35,000 deaths in the United States, alone, each year (NIMH).

Through the world’s eyes, I am a successful woman, yet I have never been able to meet my own expectations – my self imposed standards – my full potential. For far too many years, I lived to die. I played the part of living but embraced the act of dying. As a victim of chronic clinical depression, I manifested my pain through a myriad of self destructive behaviors. Over time, these manifestations began to pervade and ravage every fiber of my being…until I prayed that each breath I took would be my last.

Two weeks ago, the body of a father, husband and businessman was discovered on a local golf course. He had taken his own life, with the aid of a hand gun. I don’t know the circumstances that surrounded the premature death of this promising young man; however, his story has compelled me to share mine - with the hope that it will provide insight to those who read it. Time and time again it has been said that “suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem,” and while this is spoken in truth, it paints a very narrow picture of the disease that drives an individual to bring an end to their existence.

In the course of depression, there are stages, the last (and most tragic) being the point of wholeheartedly believing your loved ones would be better off without you. You firmly hold that if you were to die, they could truly live. It is at this stage that you lose the ability to make rational decisions, as your tainted mind guides your thoughts and your actions. The organ that controls your ability to reason is biologically disordered. Just as you can’t walk on a broken leg, you cannot think clearly with a brain that is in need of repair.

I don’t know how to halt the increasing trend toward suicide in our country, but I do know that silence and ignorance will inevitably fuel the fire. I urge you…talk to your children, your parents, your spouses, your friends. Look into their eyes and listen intently. If you suspect trouble, don’t dismiss your suspicions. An elephant in the room should never be ignored. Communicate with the people around you. More often than not, if you have not noticed an elephant in your home, someone near you has. Please don’t allow fear, denial, busyness or stigmas determine your loved one’s fate. You can make a difference, you can break the silence, and you can save lives. If you or someone you know is suffering, please call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800- SUICIDE, today. Pick up the phone; there is help available. With help, you can find hope. With hope, you can begin to heal... and through the process of healing you can rediscover and learn to embrace the gift of life.

Remember to Remember 2011

The 3rd Annual Ernest P. Roy Memorial Day Relay was created with the theme “Remember to Remember.” Ernest P. Roy lost his life fighting in World War II.

In the midst of barbecues and picnics, one day sales and sand volleyball games, we are called to remember. We are called to recognize, acknowledge, appreciate, and show respect for the men and women who have lost their lives fighting for our country. We are called to pause, pray, and express our gratitude.

We are called to be Americans.

[Becca and I had a blast running along the Causeway of Mobile Bay!]

Joy in the Journey

Mission accomplished! Saturday, March 26th, I ran my first race… the nationally recognized Azalea Trail Run 2011. I took part in the 5K Run (although, I’m SO ready for next year’s 10K!). What a day! I had only been training for a couple months, and was not really sure how well I would do. My goal was to CROSS THE FINISH LINE… and that I did! My official time was 33:48 ~ I placed 622 out of 1,614 runners. :) The numbers, however, are irrelevant. In my mind, the victory was a milestone in what has proven to be a life-altering, life-giving journey… or perhaps… just LIFE!

I enjoy blogging, but my entries are few and far between, because I have a tendency to use a plethora of words, quotes other people have spoken, and my favorite photographs… to talk around or veil the deeper thoughts and feelings I (more often than not) lack the courage to openly share. Today, I want to be more honest ~ more transparent ~ more “me”. No hiding. What would happen if we all shed our armor and took off our masks? It may be cheesy-dorky, but I think our transparency would foster true connections, deeply-rooted unity, and a level of respect that could change the world. We need each other, and it is important that we listen to each other’s stories. I have to believe God brings us out of the valleys so we can shout His victory from the mountain tops! Saturday’s Finish Line was undoubtedly a mountain top moment… but it did not come without a trip through the valley.

“Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil.” [Psalm 23:4]

At the age of 11, I developed an eating disorder… 20 years later, as a 31 year old, disordered eating continues to plague my days; however, Anorexia Nervosa no longer defines who I am. Following more hospitalizations, tube feedings, psychiatric facilities, and residential treatment centers than I care to recollect, I am finally learning to live... after spending well over half my life fighting death. Sounds extreme… because it was. I lost hearing in one ear throughout the majority of my freshman year in college (the result of a dehydrated eardrum), developed osteopenia in my hip and osteoporosis in my spine (by my early 20’s). I had difficulty finding local psychiatrists who would accept me as a client, and was labeled a “liability risk,” secondary to the “severity of my condition.” These are not chapters in my life that bring pride, but they do bring perspective. As I have said in the past, for far too many years, I lived to die. I played the part of living but embraced the act of dying [blog entries 4/11/10 & 10/10/10].

Today, I have been granted the opportunity to choose life… I am climbing out of the valley, LITERALLY one step at a time. I have known far too many individuals who lost their lives in this treacherous terrain. I praise God each morning, because I have been given the gift of another day.
“My cup runneth over.” [Psalm 23:5b]

Fast-forward to Spring 2007. I began noticing a sharp twinge in my right foot. This was the beginning of yet another valley ~ the mystery of the pain-filled foot! As many of you know, the foot journey consisted of 2 YEARS in a walking boot, 15 MONTHS on crutches and in a wheelchair, and major surgery in 2009. Doctor after doctor attempted – to no avail – to diagnose and treat the intensifying pain, but the symptoms seemed only to worsen. Many blamed my “history,” my lack of nutrition, my diminished bone density, my minimal protein intake… for what was quickly evolving into a true physical disability. I value and often share the lessons I learned throughout this period of my life (many mini-mountain top moments!), yet, I seldom talk about the depths of this ravine, because it was frightening and infuriating and left me in a state of hopelessness and terror. I learned to function, in spite of the crutches and wheelchair… and gained unparalleled insight into the world of those who do face the challenge of a chronic disability. For the “hands on” learning sessions, I am eternally grateful. God used crutches and a wheelchair to teach me how to stand on my own two feet… ironic, I know! I found inner strength and determination, although I continued to spend night after night crying myself to sleep, wondering if I, too, was developing an incurable ailment. I did not foresee ever walking again… and running (a tool that had proven helpful in my fight with Anorexia and anxiety) felt like a distant dream.

To make a 4 year story short, in 2009, I was blessed to discover Dr. John Gould, a UAB orthopedic surgeon, who determined the abnormalities I was experiencing in my foot were (1) NOT my fault (2) NOT the result of injury (3) simply an atypical number of unrelated “flukes” that are “common” in Gould’s ortho world, though seldom seen on one person or in one foot.
Ahhh… a breath of fresh (mountain top) air! I was BEYOND ready to emerge from this canyon!!!

May 13th, 2009, Dr. Gould removed my sesamoid bone (which had been “dead” for quite some time – having received no blood supply); he shaved down another bone, cut and later reattached a ligament to take out a large neuroma (cluster of inflamed nerves), cut and later reattached a tendon to reposition my entrapped peroneal nerve, and injected 2 joints with cortisone...in my right foot.

Following 6 weeks of non-weight bearing status, I slowly began to teach myself to walk… after 2 years of being unable to utilize my foot or ankle. This was a bit tricky, as I was (for a number of reasons) unable to receive physical therapy. By 2010, I was walking, practicing yoga (which also brought comfort and peace during my one-legged… and later TWO-legged days), and was attempting to jog… slowly.

Only recently, have I begun to run – pain free! I am beginning to feel as though I am coming full circle. I ran Saturday morning, with tears in my eyes, saying prayers of thankfulness with every step. I am overflowing with gratitude and blessed beyond measure. I am alive. I am healing. I am running. I am teaching yoga. I am working toward appropriately fueling my body. I am sharing my story… and I am finding unspeakable joy in the journey (both the highs and the lows).

I did more than cross the finish line during Saturday’s race… I entered into a world of new beginnings.
And from this mountain top, I stand in awe, as I “look to the horizon with hope.” [Augusta Kantra]

“The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me to lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside the still waters.
He restores my soul.” [Psalm 23:1-3]

Lastly, I cannot post this entry without thanking my family and friends for their love, support, patience, persistence, thoughtfulness, encouragement and dedication. Your faith and strength have carried me on mountains high and through valleys low. I love you deeply.

~ aeb :)

"By breath, by blood, by body, by spirit, we are all one" [Sara Thomsen]

It's official... I'm a yoga teacher... Amanda Elizabeth Barfield, RYT!!! I am currently teaching an alignment-based flow class every Sunday afternoon at Yoga Birds, in Fairhope, at 3:00 ~ and I am loving every minute of it! Check out www.yogabirds.com for more information about the studio (owned by Melanie Buffett) and the amazing yoga opportunities available within our community! "By breath, by blood, by body, by spirit, we are all one." [Sara Thomsen]

Many of you have asked wonderful questions regarding my passion for yoga, so I thought I would share the following with you... It is the Bio you will find on the Yoga Birds website. My "passion" for yoga is an understatement... God has used yoga to save my life, and I am eternally grateful. Many thanks to ALL of my teachers, but especially Augusta Kantra, LPC,RYT and Melanie Buffett, E-RYT, Anusara-Inspired. You mean the world to me. Namaste.

Amanda began her yoga journey in 2008, while on crutches and in a wheelchair. During a two year period of physical disability, Amanda found hope, healing, and empowerment through a yoga practice that focused on her ABILITY to breathe with mindfulness and adapt through creativity and patience. As a Recreational Therapist, Amanda knows the importance of incorporating healthy leisure outlets into our daily living. She believes yoga has created much-needed balance in her life, and finds joy in helping others experience this sense of wellbeing and peace. Amanda recently graduated as a Registered Yoga Teacher (RYT 200) and is thrilled to be teaching at Yoga Birds. Her Sunday afternoon "Align & Flow" class provides an opportunity to spend time in community with one another, making the transition from the weekend to the work week one of fluidity and ease.

"Yoga is life. It is an internal and external connection...to God, to ourselves, to our world. Yoga is a journey, a continual learning experience...through a quiet mind and an open heart. Yoga is a process of transformation on a path toward wholeness and health. Yoga has taught me the art of self compassion, a skill that has not always come naturally. Yoga has given me the gift of breath...permission to inhale and exhale...to simply be. Yoga is an opportunity to embrace each moment. Yoga is an invitation to live." [aeb 2010]

Love and Peace,
aeb

"Love's Pure Light" ~ Community Yoga Class Honoring Georgia Richards.

Sunday, December 19 • 3:00pm - 6:00pm

Yoga Birds
458-B North Section Street
Fairhope, AL

Dear friends,
Please join me for a community yoga class Sunday, December 19th at 3pm to remember and celebrate the life of Georgia Carolyn Rose Richards. Georgia was called Home November 27th, 2010, at the young age of 17. This donation-based yoga class is open to all. Proceeds will go toward the Georgia Carolyn Rose Richards Memorial Fund, to assist Georgia’s family with funeral expenses.

Together, we will bow humbly before the “SON OF GOD, LOVE’S PURE LIGHT” through a sequence of 17 “Son” Salutations, in honor of each year Georgia spent on this earth. As a community, we will open our hearts to the Joy and Peace of the Holiday Season, and commemorate the life of Georgia Carolyn Rose.

Refreshments to follow.

No yoga experience is necessary.

Please share this invitation with friends of Georgia.
If you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask!

Love to all,
aeb

~ Because some messages bear repeating...

There are times in our lives when communication is not only important, but it is crucial. This is one of those "crucial" times. With tragic teen suicide rates on the rise, and adults facing seemingly insurmountable obstacles (related to finances, careers, relationships...), perhaps we could all benefit from a message of hope. As you read (or for many of you, RE-read) my Letter to the Editor, printed in the Mobile Press Register, July 5th, 2008, please maintain an open mind and a compassionate heart. There are people around us who are suffering, and we each have the ability to make a difference. Thanks so much for your time and interest! ~ aeb :)

The Elephant in the Living Room...

I never really liked to say the word. Instead, I would use such terms as “disappear” or “go away”. The concept felt so taboo, so unacceptable, so misunderstood. The thoughts were unrelenting, and the reality painfully grim. Suicide was (and still is) the “elephant in the living room”… a silent killer… and the cause of approximately 35,000 deaths in the United States, alone, each year (NIMH).

Through the world’s eyes, I am a successful woman, yet I have never been able to meet my own expectations – my self imposed standards – my full potential. For far too many years, I lived to die. I played the part of living but embraced the act of dying. As a victim of chronic clinical depression, I manifested my pain through a myriad of self destructive behaviors. Over time, these manifestations began to pervade and ravage every fiber of my being…until I prayed that each breath I took would be my last.

Two weeks ago, the body of a father, husband and businessman was discovered on a local golf course. He had taken his own life, with the aid of a hand gun. I don’t know the circumstances that surrounded the premature death of this promising young man; however, his story has compelled me to share mine - with the hope that it will provide insight to those who read it. Time and time again it has been said that “suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem,” and while this is spoken in truth, it paints a very narrow picture of the disease that drives an individual to bring an end to their existence.

In the course of depression, there are stages, the last (and most tragic) being the point of wholeheartedly believing your loved ones would be better off without you. You firmly hold that if you were to die, they could truly live. It is at this stage that you lose the ability to make rational decisions, as your tainted mind guides your thoughts and your actions. The organ that controls your ability to reason is biologically disordered. Just as you can’t walk on a broken leg, you cannot think clearly with a brain that is in need of repair.

I don’t know how to halt the increasing trend toward suicide in our country, but I do know that silence and ignorance will inevitably fuel the fire. I urge you…talk to your children, your parents, your spouses, your friends. Look into their eyes and listen intently. If you suspect trouble, don’t dismiss your suspicions. An elephant in the room should never be ignored. Communicate with the people around you. More often than not, if you have not noticed an elephant in your home, someone near you has. Please don’t allow fear, denial, busyness or stigmas determine your loved one’s fate. You can make a difference, you can break the silence, and you can save lives. If you or someone you know is suffering, please call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800- SUICIDE, today. Pick up the phone; there is help available. With help, you can find hope. With hope, you can begin to heal... and through the process of healing you can rediscover and learn to embrace the gift of life.