Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Joy in the Journey




Mission accomplished! Saturday, March 26th, I ran my first race… the nationally recognized Azalea Trail Run 2011. I took part in the 5K Run (although, I’m SO ready for next year’s 10K!). What a day! I had only been training for a couple months, and was not really sure how well I would do. My goal was to CROSS THE FINISH LINE… and that I did! My official time was 33:48 ~ I placed 622 out of 1,614 runners. :) The numbers, however, are irrelevant. In my mind, the victory was a milestone in what has proven to be a life-altering, life-giving journey… or perhaps… just LIFE!

I enjoy blogging, but my entries are few and far between, because I have a tendency to use a plethora of words, quotes other people have spoken, and my favorite photographs… to talk around or veil the deeper thoughts and feelings I (more often than not) lack the courage to openly share. Today, I want to be more honest ~ more transparent ~ more “me”. No hiding. What would happen if we all shed our armor and took off our masks? It may be cheesy-dorky, but I think our transparency would foster true connections, deeply-rooted unity, and a level of respect that could change the world. We need each other, and it is important that we listen to each other’s stories. I have to believe God brings us out of the valleys so we can shout His victory from the mountain tops! Saturday’s Finish Line was undoubtedly a mountain top moment… but it did not come without a trip through the valley.

“Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil.” [Psalm 23:4]

At the age of 11, I developed an eating disorder… 20 years later, as a 31 year old, disordered eating continues to plague my days; however, Anorexia Nervosa no longer defines who I am. Following more hospitalizations, tube feedings, psychiatric facilities, and residential treatment centers than I care to recollect, I am finally learning to live... after spending well over half my life fighting death. Sounds extreme… because it was. I lost hearing in one ear throughout the majority of my freshman year in college (the result of a dehydrated eardrum), developed osteopenia in my hip and osteoporosis in my spine (by my early 20’s). I had difficulty finding local psychiatrists who would accept me as a client, and was labeled a “liability risk,” secondary to the “severity of my condition.” These are not chapters in my life that bring pride, but they do bring perspective. As I have said in the past, for far too many years, I lived to die. I played the part of living but embraced the act of dying [blog entries 4/11/10 & 10/10/10].

Today, I have been granted the opportunity to choose life… I am climbing out of the valley, LITERALLY one step at a time. I have known far too many individuals who lost their lives in this treacherous terrain. I praise God each morning, because I have been given the gift of another day.
“My cup runneth over.” [Psalm 23:5b]

Fast-forward to Spring 2007. I began noticing a sharp twinge in my right foot. This was the beginning of yet another valley ~ the mystery of the pain-filled foot! As many of you know, the foot journey consisted of 2 YEARS in a walking boot, 15 MONTHS on crutches and in a wheelchair, and major surgery in 2009. Doctor after doctor attempted – to no avail – to diagnose and treat the intensifying pain, but the symptoms seemed only to worsen. Many blamed my “history,” my lack of nutrition, my diminished bone density, my minimal protein intake… for what was quickly evolving into a true physical disability. I value and often share the lessons I learned throughout this period of my life (many mini-mountain top moments!), yet, I seldom talk about the depths of this ravine, because it was frightening and infuriating and left me in a state of hopelessness and terror. I learned to function, in spite of the crutches and wheelchair… and gained unparalleled insight into the world of those who do face the challenge of a chronic disability. For the “hands on” learning sessions, I am eternally grateful. God used crutches and a wheelchair to teach me how to stand on my own two feet… ironic, I know! I found inner strength and determination, although I continued to spend night after night crying myself to sleep, wondering if I, too, was developing an incurable ailment. I did not foresee ever walking again… and running (a tool that had proven helpful in my fight with Anorexia and anxiety) felt like a distant dream.

To make a 4 year story short, in 2009, I was blessed to discover Dr. John Gould, a UAB orthopedic surgeon, who determined the abnormalities I was experiencing in my foot were (1) NOT my fault (2) NOT the result of injury (3) simply an atypical number of unrelated “flukes” that are “common” in Gould’s ortho world, though seldom seen on one person or in one foot.
Ahhh… a breath of fresh (mountain top) air! I was BEYOND ready to emerge from this canyon!!!

May 13th, 2009, Dr. Gould removed my sesamoid bone (which had been “dead” for quite some time – having received no blood supply); he shaved down another bone, cut and later reattached a ligament to take out a large neuroma (cluster of inflamed nerves), cut and later reattached a tendon to reposition my entrapped peroneal nerve, and injected 2 joints with cortisone...in my right foot.

Following 6 weeks of non-weight bearing status, I slowly began to teach myself to walk… after 2 years of being unable to utilize my foot or ankle. This was a bit tricky, as I was (for a number of reasons) unable to receive physical therapy. By 2010, I was walking, practicing yoga (which also brought comfort and peace during my one-legged… and later TWO-legged days), and was attempting to jog… slowly.

Only recently, have I begun to run – pain free! I am beginning to feel as though I am coming full circle. I ran Saturday morning, with tears in my eyes, saying prayers of thankfulness with every step. I am overflowing with gratitude and blessed beyond measure. I am alive. I am healing. I am running. I am teaching yoga. I am working toward appropriately fueling my body. I am sharing my story… and I am finding unspeakable joy in the journey (both the highs and the lows).

I did more than cross the finish line during Saturday’s race… I entered into a world of new beginnings.
And from this mountain top, I stand in awe, as I “look to the horizon with hope.” [Augusta Kantra]

“The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me to lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside the still waters.
He restores my soul.” [Psalm 23:1-3]


Lastly, I cannot post this entry without thanking my family and friends for their love, support, patience, persistence, thoughtfulness, encouragement and dedication. Your faith and strength have carried me on mountains high and through valleys low. I love you deeply.

~ aeb :)